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Nothing new to see here.

Not even people thanking me for +watching them or +fav
What's become of you dA?

*bump*

{yeah, I just bumped my own journal.}
  • Listening to: tutorials
  • Reading: Stop Steeling Sheep
  • Watching: Tutorial Videos
  • Playing: Fallout 3, Borderlands
  • Eating: Pizza and hot dogs
  • Drinking: far too much caffeine
After all, I haven't exactly been chatty on here. Or on here much at all. But, maybe that will change. I'm not making any promises, mind you. I'm just working on doing more and posting my stuff. Plus, I am pretty much talking to myself right now...
  • Listening to: tutorials
  • Reading: Abraham Lincoln; Vampire Hunter
  • Watching: Tutorial Videos
  • Playing: WoW, Fallout 3
  • Eating: Ramenz
  • Drinking: far too much caffeine
I have really neglected this.
  • Listening to: my heart pound and mind race
  • Reading: Bills, bills, bills, more bills
  • Watching: The bills pile up.
  • Playing: ugh, i just can't
  • Eating: through money like candy
  • Drinking: far too much caffeine
I was let go from another job.
Twice in two years.
Not a good record.
I wasn't a bad employee.
I never was a trouble maker.
The first one was a massive company downsizing.
A medium size company that manufactures printing equipment.
I never felt like my skills were fully utilized.
Sometimes I felt like they didn't know what they were doing.
Over 40 people were let go that day.
Can't say that was my fault, but apparently I wasn't worth keeping.
This time, I'm not sure what they were thinking.
It was a small, but successful, print shop.
I was the only pre-press professional they had.
I ran that department, a multi-tasking fool.
Pre-press, pre-flight, sample proofing, posters, direct mail, design, imposition, CtP, post-production, you name it.
I did them all, and sometimes, I did them all at once.
I showed up late perhaps a few too many times?
But usually only by a few minutes.
Otherwise I'd call and let them know.
I am not a morning person, that's my downfall.
I wasn't the only one that had that problem, though.
I checked my personal email once in a while.
But not in a way that effected my work.
I occasionally browsed my social network and art profiles.
It is the only way I have to effectively communicate and stay in touch with the community, and family.
I am a web connected individual, it's part of life these days.
But I also used the internet for work related stuff; stock art, fonts, research, templates, etc.
I was told I was the best person they've ever had in that position.
That sounds good, but was it really saying much?
I got praise for my skills and knowledge.
I worked hard helping the production dept when required.
Sometimes their expectations were too high.
The tasks they wanted done were just not manageable in the time they expected.
I did what they told me as well as I could.
Sometimes I exceeded the expectations.
I pushed many jobs through in a timely manner.
The company was doing really well, too.
I like to think I contributed to that success.
Yet, I was underpaid by industry standards.
I was overdue for a raise.
Apparently I wasn't valuable enough.
Was it really a wise choice to do that to someone, in this economy?
How will it effect their business?
I'd trade a few minutes late for someone that was highly effective at their job.
I think I would.
Maybe I have much to learn.
I suppose it's partly my fault.
But they might have ruined my life.
I am at risk of losing my house.
My bills are stacking once again.
I almost had everything payed off and manageable.
I feel devastated.
What will I do?

Quit?
Fail?
Wither?

I refuse.
I chose to move on.

Persevere.
Learn.
Grow.
Improve.

I hope I am strong enough.
  • Listening to: my wallet empty out
  • Reading: Bills, bills, bills, more bills
  • Watching: The bills pile up.
  • Playing: ugh, i just can't
  • Eating: through money like candy
  • Drinking: far too much caffeine
Sorry I haven't been around much. Not that anyone noticed or anything. I haven't submit any deviations in ages, an not much worth mentioning anyhow. I am falling so far behind. Hmm.

Anyhow, I just thought I'd give this a shot, to see if anyone was listening, watching, etc.

So, To catch you up...
My current addiction is Threadless.com

Particularly their TypeTees section.

I am submitting slogans like they're going out of style, which, of course, is exactly opposite of reality. Slogans are huge these days, as are printed tees. I'll be making some designs to submit, however for now, I am a slogan jockey. Please, pretty please, go vote for me. And while you're at it, sign up to submit your own.

ShawnLogan's TypeTees Slogans

Wait! Oh, crap, I just created more competition. :doh:

Well, if you do sign up, be sure to let me know and I'll be certain to check out your submissions too.

Leave me a note or whatever if you wish. I need to be more active. Seriously. Life just has me down and when that happens I don't like to do much of anything. REALLY the wrong attitude, but it's hard to break.

Thanks so much.
  • Listening to: the hum of computer fans and print machines
  • Reading: Online Training: PitStop Professional
  • Watching: My life stagnate
  • Playing: no more games... I'm poor.
  • Eating: my pride
  • Drinking: far too much caffeen
There's one thing I've noticed when I write; I rant. I think that might make me seem like a miserable old sod. I'm not. Usually. I'm not unhappy, I'm just discontent. Some of that is my fault. However, that's beside the point and off subject. Well, since I don't write often, I tend to lose sight of my original intent, too. While writing, I ramble off and on in a confusing mess of structure, ideas and explanations. If I took the time to write more, I might actually get better. I have far too many uses of (parenthesis) and –dashes-, and words like ‘however’, ‘but’ and ‘although’. However (see), I hardly take time to focus on doing much of anything, so... Meh. Anyhow, onto the rant!!!

I'm going to edit this later, but here's the gist of it.

I recently (May 2008) got laid off from my job of almost 3 years. Although that was the longest employment I've had since the military, it's still continuing a bit of a pattern for me. You see, I've been fired from jobs a couple of times and even left a few to pursue other things (i.e. a better job). However, I've been laid off now a total of 4 times in just 8 years. That's about once every two years. Geez. It's no wonder I can never seem to get on top; financially or professionally.

This last job was with an actual corporate company, which I hoped would finally break my print shop pigeon hole. No such luck. Corporate jobs have this thing called "cut-throat management". When things are good, they are great (and they tend to hire far more people than they can afford). Then, when things are bad (or look bad) they dump everyone on the low rungs into the gutter, to save a buck. And getting back into a similar job at a similar company becomes difficult, because they are rare to find. The fact that I made it through almost three years of this is a good mark on my resume. That doesn’t make finding another such position any easier, though.

Hence, we arrive at my current dilemma. It's a long story, but I keep getting stuck back into the world of print shops. It’s not so bad, per say, it’s just that the rewards are little, and not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’ve done this for almost ten years now, and I don’t see a future -for me- in such a position. Now, by default, it seems working in print shops is apparently my "safety job". Whenever I need a job, it is now my go-to position. It use to be that I could always pick up a part-time job cleaning tables at restaurants or as an electrician's helper, whenever I needed something to hold me over until my next big job in my career field. Those are better safety jobs because they pay enough to get by, are (fairly) easy to do, and since they have a high turn-over rate they are more forgiving if you leave -and are more accepting if you come back (even if they suspect you’ll just leave again). Why? It is much more common place for people to come and go in those industries. That is just how it is. Certainly, in many print shops this can also be the case with many positions, but prepress is a bit different. It takes skills and patience, which can be hard to find. Despite my attempts at moving on in my career, though, I've pretty much always ended up back in a print shop. I’ve discovered it’s difficult to leave a print shop without feeling you’ll burn bridges, because they can be a great source for freelance work (if I can ever get that off the ground). And, likewise, it’s tough to return to one; whether you were laid off or left of your own accord, because become jaded and they’d rather replace you later with someone cheaper anyhow (and pay cuts hurt professional progress). My latest lay-off is no exception. I am right back at another print shop, doing exactly what I was doing 3 years ago, for the exact same pay. I feel dismal and under accomplished.

At this point in my career, the majority of my experience currently lay in prepress print production and graphic layout, working for print shops. That’s not a bad thing to have under your belt; however, I’ll tell you it’s rarely glamorous. It’s also extremely difficult to escape and get out form under. Most in this position will be eternally dubbed as ‘just a print shop artist’. I've discovered that makes it difficult to find work in anything but prints shops. Lots of design firms and corporate design departments seem to have a stigma against print shop experience; granted that's because often it means they've done little design work (but we'd love to do more). Admittedly, some prepress artists are not very good, or ambitious, or even artistic. However, many are and we're only in this job because we hoped it would be a good starting point in our career. It can be, however, I have met many others in this field in my time, and we all agree we're marked (marred?) for life. We’re all trying to escape the black hole of prepress print work, and the competition is tough. It's basically leading me in a career path just a tad off my desired course. And, it’s a bit of a ‘dead end’ career route. Certainly, some people do advance in the world of print shops, but they usually become owners or production supervisors. Call me lazy, or whatever, but I’m not interested in those. I don’t feel that is for me. The idea doesn’t excite me. And in this industry, and career, what you do SHOULD excite you. Otherwise, your work will suffer and possibly your sanity. Admittedly, some do go on to work for large companies, with their own in house production shop, doing great work and making a bundle doing it. They, however, are the rare exception, and usually have a great amount of design work under their belt on top of it all. It’s just difficult to develop my design and artistic skills when I spend most of my time preparing other people’s files to be printed. I don’t want to feel angst against or remorse about, or even despise being a prepress artist. I want to feel good about what I do. I’m just finding that I don’t, no matter where I work. I suppose I should -at least for now- be optimistic, accept things as they are, go with my strengths and skill sets, and try to make the best of it. I’m just finding it so difficult, and invariably physically and mentally draining, to get excited about it or progress any further. I fear I'll never escape, and never advance enough to be able to earn a desirable salary while doing something I enjoy.

I haven’t given up dreaming of doing design and/or artistic works for a living - I’ve just been beat back so much, I’m finding it impossible to believe I ever will.

I've had a couple of opportunities to almost get into some freelance work, however, to no fault of my own it hasn’t panned out. I wish other people/companies would get it together, make some decisions, and realize we (designers) can't hang on a string forever waiting for them to stop dangling the carrot and lead us to the damn drinking hole!! So says the Design Mule! HeeHaaaaaw!

I doubt anyone reads my journals, but any have advice or support would be appreciated.

ps. I would change my mood from rage, however, the only option right now is that unforgiving :sadness: error that all journals are experiencing. And since I'm not exactly sad, anger will do just fine.
  • Listening to: Fiery Rage burn in my ears!
  • Reading: Petitions and Notices of Infringement
  • Watching: My art get stolen
  • Playing: no more games
  • Eating: my pride
  • Drinking: the soul of art thieving sinners
I'm not going to write a rant about this again, but you all know the drill.
Art thieves steal your work and post it on PHOTOBUCKET.com  and sell PRINTS!!
This is happening to artists all over the internets, not just deviantartists.

This particular thief - photobucket user KaraLeeJohnson [if that is your real name, you're an idiot] - has stolen the exact image I had reported previously - which photobucket had promptly removed. However, there was no punishment or safeguard put in place to stop the user from simply reposting it. Rediculous! Let's hope that two strikes and they're out... I simply will not tolerate another violation. Also, I have found many other deviant works in her gallery.

check it out; SinCityDeanbyxloganx

And, just for the record, putting my deviantart handle in the name, is NOT giving me proper credit, because nobody knows who that is without a link-back.

So, I once again reported it. We'll see what happens.

In the meantime, please go sign this petition regarding these important matters, and set a precedent against internet art thievery and copyright infringement.

***The likeness of Jensen Ackles and the character of Dean Winchester are owned by their respective trademark and copyright holders.***

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Friends,

I have just read and signed the online petition:

   "Artists Requesting Reform of PhotoBucket Practices"

hosted on the web by PetitionOnline.com, the free online petition
service, at:

   www.PetitionOnline.com/pbarts/

I personally agree with what this petition says, and I think you might
agree, too.  If you can spare a moment, please take a look, and consider
signing yourself.

Best wishes,

Shawn Patrick Jones
  • Listening to: WinAMP all day baby!
  • Reading: Mostly comics... and Mortgage paperwork (ugh)
  • Watching: the blue bar grow
  • Playing: City of Heroes (still)
  • Eating: bagel and peanut butter
  • Drinking: water
(in reference to spiderguile.deviantart.com/jou…)

This is aimed at all the execs, writers, editors, etc, in the comic biz;

I'M TIRED OF ALL THE FIXING!!!!! :X

Every year - or well what seems like every few months now - the Big 2 (Marvel and DC) decide to 'fix everything' and all they do is (re)ruin characters we love, convolute the storyline(s) worse than what they were. And, what's worse is, just when we start getting use to what they've done, someone new comes in with thier "vision" and they flip it around. Again. Hence, sometime down the road, they feel they need to fix it... and all they do is boot, reboot, re-reboot. Why can't they just stick to a continuity for more than 5-10 years and see where it take the characters... I read it not for the pretty pictures, but for the journey of the story. Basically, since they can't please everyone (though they try, bless them) what they do is it to 'wipe the slate clean' and start fresh.

Though I may have missed the Spidey of old, but I was digging the new, darker, no-holds-barred version he's evolved into... read that, EVOLVED! Let the story evolve. I enjoyed letting the story take me on the journey as Peter was living it. That is what a great story does.

Well, unless you kill off one of your iconic masthead characters...

LONG LIVE STEVE ROGERS! :tombstone:
  • Listening to: WinAMP all day baby!
  • Reading: Mostly comics... and Mortgage paperwork (ugh)
  • Watching: the blue bar grow
  • Playing: City of Heroes (still)
  • Eating: bagel and peanut butter
  • Drinking: water
Aaaaw, my first case of getting ripped! How momentous. And to celebrate I am sending a notice of copyright infringement. How sweet. I'm beginning to truly feel like one of the dA community now.

I found it on Photobucket; SinCity_Dean

Here's my original; SinCity-Dean-WIP

Thanks to drakhenliche for posting in her journal. I might never had thought to look if I hadn't decided to catch up on my watch list journal reading. Thanks, drakhenliche!!

All jesting aside, this is serious stuff. Now, I am not entirely surprised to find this particular work getting ripped. To be modest, the subject - CW's show Supernatural, Dean Winchester (aka Jensen Ackles) - is kickass. I would love me some more merchandise based on it. In fact, that's WHY I created this work.
But, admittedly, I have to be cautious with my publishing of this work (and others like it) due to the fact that it is a likeness of not just a fictional character, but of the actor too.
So if any money is to be made with this likeness, and if anyone is to be the benefactor, they need to properly credit my work AND it's subjects.

Well, I can go into more detail later, but my lunch-break is over.

I suggest you all go search and scour the internet to see if your work has been ripped.

TTFN!!

EDIT: WOW, swift action by the Photobucket patrol! These guys mean business, seriously.
</quote>Dear Shawn,

Thank you for your request. Photobucket removed the content located at the
following link(s): which request was based on your stated belief that such content infringes your copyrights."</quote>

I am amazed, awed, impressed, and very gracious of how quickly they take care of business.
  • Listening to: WinAMP playlist when I can
  • Reading: Mostly comics...
  • Watching: Supernatural
  • Playing: City of Heroes (still)
  • Eating: nothing good
  • Drinking: water, energy drinks, coffee and juice
SO, I haven't done much art or blogging in a long time. Guess I need to prioritize my time better. Bleh.

We'll see...
  • Listening to: A music DVD I painstakingly burned for work.
  • Reading: DC's 52! and other comics
  • Watching: Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica [season 3]
  • Playing: City of Heroes... when my eyes don't burn
  • Eating: not a healthy diet... d'oh
  • Drinking: water, coffee and juice
Yeah, really haven't added anything in a while. Not that there's nothing to talk about.
I just haven't felt like it.

I got married, though. So, you know, you'd think I'd write something about that.

Thing is, I spent so much time and energy before, during and after - all in the name of love - that I just haven't have the urge to go type-ity typing.

Besides that, my eyes have been bugging me more so than usual. Too much computer over the course of about 7 years, and you'll notice it too. The dizziness, trouble focusing, a bit of vertigo, an adversity to sunlight or any light. [7 days on the honeymoon, with almost no computer or tv, was amazingly relaxing... for my heart, and for my eyes]. So, I'm going to get my glasses this week. Yes, bad, bad, forgetful, procrastinating me has had the prescription for a bout 8 months now... for shame! It's no wonder my eyes hate me. I also need to seriously talk to my doctor about alternatives -  like surgery - and really press them about it.

I need a loooong break.

Can anyone say, "Road Trip!" ?

I wish. Me, My wife and a 1967 Chevy Impala [4-door sedan] is all I need. Ah, dreams.

But...

It's back to work and 8 hours, 5 days a week of retina burning LCD bliss. My leisure net-browsing and computer gaming have taken a heavy hit. And that's usually how I blow off steam.

By the Gods! Methinks it's time to join a Gym!
  • Listening to: not music.. sadly.
  • Reading: 52! 52! 52!
  • Watching: Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica 2.5
  • Playing: City of Heroes... still, yes, STILL!!!
  • Eating: better and healthier
  • Drinking: water and coffee.. IS there anything else?
Well, I wanted to just post a supplemental update on things.

I am planning my wedding. And by "I", I mean, "We". Heh, a little marriage humor there.

Ok, so, we're planning our wedding. It's in two months and we have... um... basically nothing done. We have the chapel and reception sites, but we have not put any money down. Two years to plan and, as usual, we wait until the last critical moment to do things.

There is a semi logical reason being that my fiance's dad recently had intestinal surgery. He had lots of complications and we almost postponed the whole thing. We wanted him to be able to be there in the full capacity that a father of the bride should be. Now he is better, however, there is still a lingering complication called a "fistula"(?) <a href="en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fistula>wikipedia:FISTULA from his intestines to his outer skin (eeeew) and it hasn't healed. So he might need yet more surgery and treatment. It leaks fluid constantly, so he has a bag to drain it. So that would pose a problem for wearing a tux or suit, etc. So there is that.

So, anyhow, the planning is back in motion (sort of). They finally told us to go ahead and plan the whole thing, despite their concerns about his health and our finances.

However, and here is my issue... Nobody has really put any effort into it, even from day one (About a year ago)!!!!

So, I'm doing most of the work Sure, she helps a little. Very little. Maybe she feels helpless, as she is very timid. I know what that is like, since I was cripplingly shy in my younger days.

Her parents, however, have their own worries and lives to contend with and seem too busy to help. So, I make almost all the phone calls and arrange the meetings, etc. She helps, mostly by making suggestions - or turning down mine. har-har - but she procrastinates as bad as I do. Her biggest issue (besides living at home, being out of work or not having a car) is that she has trouble approaching her parents - or anyone really - to get what she wants.

So why do I do it? One, because I am a loving, understanding person. Two, because I'm a pushover. But mostly, because nobody else seems to be interested, or motivated, in doing it. So, I take up leadership because I want to move on with my life. OUR LIFE, DAMMIT!! This is all a very long story that I'm just not going to get into right now. Well,ok, so I already got into it some.

Seriously though, I mean, what groom would be doing almost ALL the planning? It's ridiculous. Yes I want to be involved and have a say in things. But gosh damn, why am I the one in charge? The man just needs to nod, pay his part of the bills, and show up at the alter. Instead, so far we still don't know what our budget is, what photographer we'll use, what cake we want, etc, etc, etc... ugh, you'd think we never talk. Wait, don't we?

I can't afford to pay for this wedding alone. They need to let me know what the deal is! Though she insists on handling the approaching of her parents on any subject, I am about to explode! Ok, so I leave it up to her. Fine, except that means it may NEVER get done. She needs a push, and I'm not the best one to give it too her. I have to live with her.

I love her so very, very much, and her family, but so very often they drive me freaking insane. It is definitely time to move out of her parent's house and get on with OUR lives!

Man, when things are good, it's great. When it's bad, it's crippling.

The choices we make....
  • Listening to: not music.. sadly.
  • Reading: 52! 52! 52!
  • Watching: Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica 2.5
  • Playing: City of Heroes... still, yes, STILL!!!
  • Eating: better and healthier
  • Drinking: water and coffee.. IS there anything else?
It's time, once again, to vent. Seems I need to do that way too much. Guess I'm not as positive a person as I thought.

Ok, well here's things as they are right now.

I don't use this site often enough to warrant getting a subscription, yet. I have my journal posts, but I just don't blog well, since I can't seem to keep up with it. And I don't see any real reason for not doing it. Well, except life. It gets in the way of everything. Especially creativity. I rarely draw anything worth much, and can see my already underused and under-developed talents fading. And I am, oddly, a perfectionist; meaning, if I don't feel it's good or ready, I can't show it or post it, or allow people to see it. I am my own worst critic. It's a bit crippling. Yet, I know (and often preach) that there's no real reason to be "fearful".

So, here is one a question.

Should I, as I've mentioned before, put every little thing on deviantART, even if I think it's not complete, or if it's not recent? Should I schedule an hour every couple of days to devote just to posting things - meaning I'd have to actually take the time to think and do and plan. Oh, and also write - as I believe all works should be followed by some sort of description. I need to be creative and follow through.

This is something I have not done in an extremely long time. And I've been feeling it, too.  I find lately that I am getting very depressed, and run-down, and emotional, very stressed, and mostly just defeated. I let things get to me. I let people push me, or guilt me, into things. I don't know how to devote myself to anything anymore. I'm not good at networking, or keeping up with people, or even get much time to see friends. I am highly unorganized - which, again is odd since I feel the need to be organized and orderly - and I just can't seem to keep up with staying organized when I try. I am lazy and a huge procrastinator, so I put things off until they get way out of control. I get sidetracked and forgetful. I can't keep schedules or routines, or follow lists of any kind, for very long. I am out of shape, but can't seem to get going with a fitness plan. I have trouble getting up in the mornings, and it's getting worse. I have no ambition pushing me, other than to pay the bills, feed my family, watch TV, and sleep. Occasionally, I get the chance to game, but the whole time i feel guilty that I should be doing something more productive.

Well, life kinda has a way off killing ambition. When you're nearly broke and have to work to pay for those things, it gets to you - as I am sure most people know. It eats at you. What most people don't realize is just how must of a drain this is on someone who has artistic needs. I NEED to be creative. And when I can't be, I die a little inside. So, everyday, I die a little. Where's my passion? Gosh damn, I have no drive powerful enough to propel me forward. My will is broken.

Should I see about going back to school, maybe online or evening classes if I can? (yes, ANOTHER long story). Then I will have an outlet and be enhancing my skills.
Should I devote myself to a Gym membership and fitness plan and stick to it no matter what?
Should I travel more, just take my fiance and go driving across country for a few days?
What about going back into the US Navy Reserves, and/or study martial arts again? They at least allowed me to feel useful and devoted and disciplined.

All those things cost money (except the NAVY), but they would help me feel so good.

Do I not demand enough of myself. Do I need to grow a pair? Do I need to take more chances in my life and stop being fearful?

Though, admittedly, I am starting to speak up, and speak my mind and get people doing stuff. I've just had it. I hit a point every once in a while - every few years - when I get tired of going no place in my life, and waiting on other people to act. But then I fall right back into it. Hopefully, not this time. Not if I want to start my own family.

Ok, I'm done for now... got most of it off my chest. Seems I've been doing that a lot lately. *sigh*

I'm tired of being a boy, It's now way beyond time to be a MAN!

Please let me know what you think...
  • Listening to: the AC vent... in the winter!! Southern freaks...
  • Reading: Runaways TP Vol. 7
  • Watching: Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica 2.5
  • Playing: City of Heroes... yes, STILL!!!
  • Eating: Cheese Nips and Nissin Chow Mein
  • Drinking: water and coffee.. is there anything else?
I'm just no good at blogging or journal keeping.

I just don't keep up with it.

Same thing with my art...

Bleh. :cry:
  • Listening to: my ears ring
  • Reading: Green Arrow
  • Watching: Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica
  • Playing: not much
  • Eating: soup
  • Drinking: water, coffee, coffee, and... coffee
Maybe I have ADD? I seem to fit almost all the symptoms.

I just have so much trouble focusing. I lose track of thing or my mind wanders off, and I usually can't complete a task without either mentally dozing for a bit or sidetracking to something else. Having an eye disorder doesn't help. Apparently - according to the optometrist - I have this thing were the muscles in my eyes are either too tight or too weak. So that means I have to concentrate harder to see, or I go crossed or something. :eyepopping: Thus the headaches and focal problems. But, hey, I'm really good at those hidden image things.
:stupidme:

I also think my fiancé believes I am a hypocondriac in that when I think any symptoms I have match something (like thyroid problems, diabeties, ADD, etc..) then I wonder if I have it...  She rolls her eyes when I even mention it aloud to her. Even worse, the doctors seem to ignore me when I bring it up, and my basic lab tests always come back OK (meaning they didn't find anything unusual, because they didn't dig in for anything more than the usual, whatever that is). I keep thinking I'll push someone or go to a specialist to be certain. But, then my procrastination kicks in and I never go. :shrug:

I'm a Procrastihypocondrabeticaiisticlazyass. Yeah, diagnose THAT! :sick:

Bleh... back to work. :work:
Ugh.

I suck.

I never get anything done. I never finish what I start.

I feel my skills as an artist have fallen apart over the last few years. I never draw or paint anymore, and when I do nothing comes out, or doesn't turns out in any way that I feel is progress. I get empty and upset and totally blocked. I just sit there swirling the pen or brush around and going blank and numb. It's frustrating and feels like I'm trying to sqeeze hard chesse out of a frozen toothpaste tube.

And when I sit at the computer, it's just as bad. I can't make any comprehensive idea form, or determine the path of steps to accomplish any meaningful design. I try using tutorials or read a "how to" books, but I get lost and confused on exactly what I'm doing. I get dizzy and lethargic, and I give up.

I seem to have trouble concentrating long enough to keep track of what I'm doing. I get these spells where I just stare at something and go sort of elsewhere. I can't focus. I am unable to remember or retain information about what brush does what, or what settings do what, or how to mix thinner with paint to get a good flow, or how to draw freaking ANYTHING.

I can't call myself an artist until I fix this

I seem to only be able to veg out on TV, or read comics. Even playing computer games leaves me wanting.

And my friends, on game nights - we play Mutants & Masterminds RPG - they say I seem lost and drained and not really paying attention to things.

Somehow I managed to get myself to atleast write this. I'm not good at keeping up with blogs or journals.

I want to go back to school. But it's just not an option that I can partake in right now. Especially if I can't concentrate long enough to even figure out how, not counting that I have a full time job, and that I also have a million things to get done for my wedding. Being almost broke - though I am managing to save - makes it hard. But, again, I just don't know if I have the motivation enough to do anything about that., either.

I am so out of shape. I ache and hurt all the time. Back when I joined the military, I did it for several reasons; first) to get into shape and live healthier, second) to learn how to be on my own and be dedicated and responsible, third) to get an education and continue into college. Somehow, I have neither continued or followed though any of those to fruition. I basically did nothing with my experience. I mess that up. When I got out I stayed in the reserves for two years. That didn't work too well, so I left. I worked odd jobs and then went to college. Again, I messed it up. During all this I took martial arts, which worked out really well.. for a while. Until I couldn't afford to continue and had to leave that and college behind me. I became a "working man". Ten years later I'm still makeing the same wage and not progressing. I want to want to work out and exercise, I just can't seem to do it though. What happened, why do I keep living like that?

Thank goodness I have a loving fiance. Although, like with any relationship, we have problems, but atleast we manage to work most of them out and our love seems to hold true throughout. At least that's something. We both have very similar dreams that we'd love to share together, however, we just don't know how to get there. I guess that's pretty common though, I know friends and family that feel the same way.

But i thought I was better than this. I expected more from myself, and failed. I have no motivation.

How can I re-focus myself to do things that I want to do? Is there something more to it or is this just the way I am?

Bleh. Is this depression? I feel happy most of the time. But I'm a bit... empty.

Something is missing.
  • Listening to: my hard drive spin
  • Reading: The New Avengers
  • Watching: Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica
  • Playing: Mutants and Masterminds
  • Eating: my soul
  • Drinking: water, coffee, coffee, and... coffee
Not sure whom started this {I think it was FoxNede foxnede.deviantart.com/journal…}, or who is working towards it, but it's basically a challenge to make art with specific themes, for both personal growth and as a non-contest challenge of peers;

The 100 Theme Challenge: Rules

1.)Do one hundred pictures each with one of the themes I have written below. Each picture should have ONE and only ONE theme each. Do only the themes listed below, do not change the words becuase it ruins the nature of the project (but, seriously, whatever).

2.) There is no time limit but becuase of that you are expect to finished or finalize EVERY picture. This challenge is made to help build artistic skill so don't upload unfinished scribbles.

3.) The main picture should be drawn but not limited to just that, use any medium you want to create your master pieces.
• Themed pictures can be used for trades, requests, gifts and ect.

4.) The list of themes should be placed somwhere in your journal so that other artist can see that you are participating in the challenge and so they can see how much you have completed. Don't forget to link back to [this journal] so others can do it. ^^; Also make sure to tell me FoxNede foxnede.deviantart.com/ that you're doing this so that I she can add you to the participants list, if you wish.

5.) Make sure to update this list and check off what is done and make a link to the finished picture

6.) The title of the work should share the same name as the theme for it or at least stated in the description. Be sure to note in the description that the picture is for the challenge.

7) You don't have to do them all in order.

[the previous rules have been edited]

The Themes:
1. Introduction
2. Love
3. Light
4. Dark
5. Balloon
6. Break Away
7. Heaven
8. Innocence
9. Drive
10. Breathe Again
11. Memory
12. Insanity
13. Misfortune
14. Smile
15. Silence
16. Questioning
17. Blood
18. Rainbow
19. Seniors' Ball
20. Fortitude
21. Vacation
22. Mother Nature
23. Cat
24. No Time
25. Trouble Lurking
26. Tears
27. Foreign
28. Sorrow
29. Happiness
30. Under the Rain
31. Flowers
32. Night
33. Expectations
34. Stars
35. Hold My Hand
36. Precious Treasure
37. Eyes
38. Abandoned
39. Dreams
40. Rated
41. Teamwork
42. Standing Still
43. Dying
44. Two Roads
45. Illusion
46. Family
47. Creation
48. Childhood
49. Stripes
50. Breaking the Rules
51. Sport
52. Deep in Thought
53. Keeping a Secret
54. Tower
55. Waiting
56. Danger Ahead
57. Sacrifice
58. Kick in the Head
59. No Way Out
60. Rejection
61. Fairy Tale
62. Magic
63. Do Not Disturb
64. Multitasking
65. Horror
66. Traps
67. Playing the Melody
68. Hero
69. Annoyance
70. 67% YATTA
71. Obsession
72. Mischief Managed
73. I Can't
74. Are You Challenging Me?
75. Mirror
76. Broken Pieces
77. Test
78. Drink
79. Starvation
80. Words
81. Pen and Paper
82. Can You Hear Me?
83. Heal
84. Out Cold
85. Spiral
86. Seeing Red
87. Food
88. Pain
89. Through the Fire
90. Triangle
91. Drowning
92. All That I Have
93. Give Up
94. Last Hope
95. Advertisement
96. In the Storm
97. Safety First
98. Puzzle
99. Hanger
100. Relaxation


Update: Yeah, I haven't done squat for this. I promise, I will soon. ;)
I saw this done by AngelCrusher angelcrusher.deviantart.com/ and thought it looked fun to do. Simply follow the instructions for some 'wacky' names. :) Everyone who is cool is doing it. c'mon, be like everyone else...

1.YOUR PORN STAR NAME
(name of first pet + street you live on):
We've had many pets, but one of my favorites was a black labrador, so I'll use that.
~Blackjack Bradbury</i>

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME
(grandmother's/father's first name + favorite snack)
Define snack I guess.
~Neil Tater</i>

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME
(first word you see on your left + favorite restaurant)
~Pulse Felix</i>

4. YOUR SOCIALITE NAME
(silliest childhood nickname + first town where you partied):
~Spanky Chicago</i>

5. YOUR "FLY GIRL/GUY" NAME
(first initial + first three letters of your last name)
~S. Jon</i>

6. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME
(favorite animal + name of high school):
~Turtle Pentucket</i>

7. YOUR BARFLY NAME
(last snack food you ate + your favorite drink)
~Cashew Guinness</i>

8. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME
(middle name + city where you were born):
~Patrick Beverly</i>

9. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME
(favorite candy + favorite musician's last name):
Uh, I don't like using the same last name as a pre-existing artist, but meh...
~Reese Mullins</i>

10. YOUR OPPOSITE SEX NAME
(name of [opposite sex] friend + cell phone company you use):
~Mary Cingular</i>

11. YOUR STAR WARS NAME
(first 3 letters of your last name + last 3 letters of mother's maiden name)
~Jon-Lar</i>

Wow, yeah. I have some wacky names! =P
I'm a tard. But I Rawk! :rock:
  • Listening to: Little Big Town, Sean Mullins
  • Reading: The Idiot's Guide for Grooms
  • Watching: Supernatural, Battlestar Galactica
  • Playing: City of Heroes
  • Eating: Nature's Valley snack bar
  • Drinking: Coffee
That through endeavors like these, we can become united, and still hold true to our differences.

www.couragevow.com/

As I've said before, the one overlying reason I love places like  deviantART is because we can all share our love, our passion, our fears, our desires, our opinion, our beliefs, our religions, our heritage, our creativity, our ideas, our ideals, our selves, our humanity... and that is a beautiful thing.

This isn't a political statement. This is my heart.

--------------------------------------------------------

Creative Commons License

CourageVow.com

*Take the Courage Vow.*

I vow to hold true to the principle of courage:
to think and act clearly in the presence of fear.

I vow to acknowledge my fear as part of being human,
but I will not allow it to control me.

I will control my fear.

I will not be paralyzed or panicked
by barbarian bombers, by suicidal saboteurs,
by homicidal criminals with explosives.
I refuse to call them terrorists
because I refuse to allow them to terrorize me.

I vow to fight these individuals with a clear head
even though I may feel fear.

I vow to fight them with the weapon of superior principles:
truth,
liberty for all,
justice for all,
freedom of religion for all,
freedom of speech for all,
freedom of dissent for all,
freedom of privacy for all,
freedom to vote for all,
and a government that responds to the people.

I vow to apply these principles to all mankind.

If clear thinking determines that action is needed
to enforce these principles, then I vow to take action.

Strength of arms can win most any battle.
But force without principles
will lose every war.

I vow to act from these principles,
from the strength of character
that makes me better than the barbarians
and better than the cowards.

I vow not to act from anger, vengeance, or hatred.
I vow not to act from fear, panic, or terror.
I vow not to fight simply based on physical strength.
I vow not to encourage others to succumb to their fear.
I vow not to surrender my principles.

I vow to call a coward anyone who would
surrender all my principles
because they have succumbed to fear.

I vow to call a coward those
who see enemies in every shadow,
who lash out at the innocent and uninvolved,
who surrender all of my principles,
all in an attempt to fight their own fear.

I vow to call a coward anyone who tries to
hide their fear with false bravado or with
unprincipled acts of violence, including
attacks on civilians, kidnappings,
cruel and unusual punishments, or torture.

I vow to call a coward
anyone who says we cannot win
unless we sacrifice my principles.
Without my principles, the only difference
between me and the barbarians
is the color of the uniform and
the type of weapon used.

I am better than them
only so long as
my principles are better.

I vow to hold true to all my principles in
the presence of fear.

I vow myself to courage.

***
Click here for one-page poster version in RTF format www.CourageVow.com/poster.rtf
***

This work licensed under the Creative-Commons-Attribution-ShareAlike license.
License info: creativecommons.org/licenses/b…

Attribution information:

Title: "Courage Vow"
Copyright 2006 Courage Vow
URL: www.CourageVow.com

***
Tell your representatives, your law makers, your family and your neighbors.
The World of Chaos
Ok, since it's in the news.. again I thought I'd chime in... These are just my thoughts, feelings and opinions. Please take them as you will and discuss openly without fear.

I'm from the USA. Born and raised. I have many ancestors from all over Europe (and possibly beyond). I have served my country's military. I haven't lived the best life, I could have done better. But I am trying. I am proud. :salute:

But there is a problem here in the USA and all over the world. The citizens aren't standing up for the majority right to living in harmony. I, too, am guilty of this. And if some do, they get pushed down, fast. The people that run things are those that have more drive and passion for their cause than the average individual. Whether it is wrong or right, whomever yells the loudest, longest and pulls the most strings, wins. Or they just blow something up (usualy with themselves) for an assinine reason for some diluted cause.

I hate fighting, I hate war, I hate guns (well, except when it's fictional). But, sadly, I must admit they do have - sorry - a place when it comes to defending the common good. However, I anger when it goes on too long and too far. It ends up just making the rich richer, the politicians powerful, and evil a stronger drive for chaos. Everyone else gets pushed around, killed and supressed. We had a good thing going with Democracy (otherwise, would it have caught on so much across the globe?) and the idea was sound... it's just the execution that has recently gone a bit off key. :shakefist:

I'm not sure what we all - everyone from every country -can do about it. Perhaps it's time to form a World Citizen Movement ?
I dunno. I'm no leader. I'm a thinker and haev a big heart. Heck, I can't even pack a lunch on a regular basis. But I'd like it done with as little violence, damage or chaos as possible. And hopefully :pray: no loss of life. :floating: